So it comes to this: Stephen Colbert is now making fun of endangered animals. In his new book, I Am America (And So Can You), the host of The Colbert Report publishes a list of “Endangered Animals and Why They Are Unloved By God.” Like: “Ocelot: It knows good and well what it did.” Or “Père David’s Deer: Has an accent mark in its name.” Or "California Condor: Typical West Coast type just cruising on the air currents. Get a job, long beak."

Well, Mr. Colbert, what if the tables were turned? What if Endangered Animals could write a book, and it had a section called “Endangered Animals and What They'd Like to Do to Stephen Colbert.”

Hawaiian Monk Seal
They’d attack him, bite him, beat him up, leave him wimpering in the sand. Male monk seals that are "in the mood" can be extremely violent with their mates, sometimes killing them in the act.

Ocelot
Ocelots are high-strung, unpredictable killers, gunning for nocturnal rodents, lesser anteaters, and spider monkeys. That which they do not kill they mark with their foul-smelling pee. So if an ocelot gets a hold of Colbert’s book, it will definitely autograph it—Dear Mr. Colbert: You stink worse than my urine!

Bighorn Sheep
Colbert thinks he's a master at head-to-head combat. Let’s see him invite one of these babies on his show. Male bighorn sheep are known to smash their headgear in duels that can last 24 hours. Thirty-pound horns can make some serious noise and do some serious damage-- especially to a skinny TV host. Lucky for Colbert, they're vegetarians.

Iberian Lynx
Europe’s most threatened carnivore has excellent eyesight. It can spot a rodent 250 feet away. Even if you start running now, Mr. Colbert, you will never be able to hide.

Père David’s Deer
This endangered Asian deer and Stephen Colbert have so much in common. Both have teeny ears for their head size. And both have funny French names. So just what is your problem, Mr. Colbert, or should we say Monsieur Col-bear. If you run into this deer in a zoo (which is pretty much the only place they live nowadays), be prepared: The 300-pounder will mock you right back.

Florida Cougar
The nocturnal predator would like to be in your studio audience to show off its shriek, which starts out low, gets higher and louder, then dies down. Better have plenty of wild pigs, deer, and rabbits in the house, or else.

Northern Hairy-Nosed Wombat
You dare to call them “unloveable”? You love scottish terriers, right? And pot-bellied pigs? And koalas? Who wouldn't love an animal that looks like a cross between all three? Fewer than 100 Northern Hairy-Nosed Wombats live in Epping Forest National Park in Queensland, Australia. If a park ranger took a copy of your book to work, a wombat would no doubt walk away disapprovingly, waggling its behind from side to side.

California Condor
If one of these enormous, soaring birds were to encounter Colbert's book, and if the book were a dead calf, the condor would eat it.

—As told to Marc Silver, Jennifer S. Holland, Helen Fields, and Catherine Barker

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