Dear Madonna,

We at Pop Omnivore were saddened to hear of the demise of your marriage. And puzzled by one of the supposed reasons for the breakup. According to a pre-eminent celebrity blogger, you fought wrinkles with an “ancient alien remedy”: slathering up with cream and then going to sleep inside a "zipping herself up" in a plastic body bag.

Now first off, we hope that you had an air hole. Or two.

And second off … really? We think not!

We asked a colleague, wise in the ways of ancient Egypt, if there were perhaps better old-school wrinkle-fighting strategies.

By golly, it turns out there were! According to the writings of Lisa Manniche, an expert on ancient Egypt who specializes in cosmetics, fragrances, and remedies, there were several formulae.

“An allegedly successfully remedy to treat wrinkles,” she writes, is:

1 part gum of frankincense
1 part wax
1 part fresh Moringa oil
1 part Cyperus grass

Ground finely and mix with fermented plant juice. Apply generously.

Then there’s fir oil. To extract fir oil from fir chips, steep the chips in fermented plant juice.

The oil had many uses. Combined with other ingredients, it was thought to be a worm expellant. (Insert Guy Ritchie joke here.) Add honey and an unidentified ingredient and voila—a face wash.

But for the real deal, mix it with dough and fermented plant juice and apply to wrinkles.

So there you have it, Madonna. Maybe your marriage would have been saved if only you’d had a vat of fermented plant juice and a pile of fir chips instead of a plastic bag.

Sincerely,

Pop Omnivore

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